Magic Relationship Ratio

A healthy relationship has at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.

Let's talk about “the magic relationship ratio,” a mental model so eye-opening it will probably help you better understand the bad relationships in your life. Whether you're a Jiu-Jitsu student, coach, or parent, you'll definitely find this relevant.

The magic relationship ratio is 5:1.

The “magic relationship ratio,” sometimes called the Gottman ratio, is an idea popularized by Dr. John Gottman to explain what makes happy, positive relationships. It goes like this:

A healthy relationship has at least 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.

That's a ratio of five-to-one, or 5:1.

The magic relationship ratio is often used to study romantic relationships, but research from 2004 indicates it may be equally applicable to work relationships. I don't think it's a stretch to assume it would apply to student/coach dynamics, too.

Why this matters for Jiu-Jitsu coaches

I invite you to recall the worst, most negative personal experiences you've had with a coach. How many positive interactions can you remember with them? How many negative ones? I'm guessing it wasn't 5:1.

The 5:1 “magic relationship ratio” matters because it reminds us how much those negative interactions stand out. You can't just match them in positivity; you need to drown them in positivity. 5 good interactions for every 1 bad.

Do you need to invest a bit more in one of your relationships? Do you have enough goodwill banked to have that difficult conversation without jeopardizing the friendship? The magic relationship ratio helps estimate where you stand with people.

Far too many Jiu-Jitsu coaches neglect to create positive experiences at their gym. But good culture requires you to do this. Positivity takes work, and because a bit of negativity is inevitable, we need to be actively curating positivity as an offset.

Creating positive experiences doesn't have to be hard. It can be little things, like complimenting your partner after a roll, or telling your students you're proud of their progress, or just letting your training partners know you appreciate them. Positivity is easy once it becomes a habit, and it's a habit that's definitely worth picking up.

On the podcast:

• Ep. 314: Reluctant Leadership, feat. Ken Postnikoff

Further study:

• Golden Rule